REIGN: "For King and Country" & "Sacrifice" SPOILER ALERT

You guys, this show is twisting itself in knots to try and figure out ways to keep Mary and Francis from getting married.  As you probably recall, Nostradamus predicted that marriage to Mary will be the death of Francis. And Henry, for some reason, decided that it's vitally important that Mary stake her claim to the throne of England. Diane de Poitier's plot to have Bash legitimized was discovered, so she convinced Bash to leave the court.

I can't even begin to recap these episodes.  Both of them hit new heights of ridiculousness.  "In For King and Country," Mary decides that there is only one way for her to keep Francis safe.  She tells King Henry that she will stake her claim to the English throne but there is a catch.  Henry has disinherit Francis and legitimize Bash, who she'll marry him instead. Henry hesitates for only a minute before agreeing.  Seriously? This plot is so ridiculous, I can only imagine the writers were smoking something when they came up with it.  Henry immediately decides to head to Rome to have a confab with the Pope about divorcing Catherine and legitimizing Bash.  First of all, the idea that the King had to go to Rome himself is absurd. That's what you have emissaries for! Did Henry VIII go to Rome for his divorce from Catherine of Aragon? Nope!

Of course, Francis ends up learning about the prediction. And of course he pleads with Mary not to throw away what they have on silly superstition.  Clearly he hasn't seen this show. Finally Francis just washes his hands of the whole thing, and decides to hightail it out of Dodge to go have a life now that he's not the heir to the throne anymore.  Catherine ends up being held prisoner in the dungeon.

Meanwhile, the man of the hour, Nostradamus is stabbed in the neck by Clarissa, the girl in the burlap sack. And we don't even find out what happens to him in the next episode! Is he lying dead in the basement? I guess everyone is so busy with the whole "Bash will be the next king," idea that Nostradamus has completely been forgotten.

The next episode, 'Sacrifice,' was all about whether or not Bash really has it in him to be the next King of France.  The episode opens with him having to listen to people's grievances.  A young woman is brought before him who is accused of being a traitor.  She's also heavily pregnant.  It's clear that Bash knows her, and Mary immediately jumps to the conclusion that he's knocked her up.  It turns out that she's his sort of cousin, her father was executed as a traitor but it turns out that he was really one of the heretics.  Oh, and another woman tries to kill Bash but only ends up nicking his new bodyguard/fencing instructor.

Of course this is all part of one of Catherine's plans to ruin Bash.  She's like the Wiley E. Coyote of the French court. Apparently if anyone finds out that Bash is related to this traitor, he will never be able to be King. Mary, who is nothing if not helpful, decides to help Bash escort Isabella somewhere safe before she gives birth. After taking away all of Catherine's luxuries, Mary leaves the Three Stooges aka Lola, Greer and Kenna to watch Catherine to keep her from pulling any funny business.

Bash, Mary, and Isabelle ending up getting stuck in The Dark Forest where evil lurks aka heretics. They set up a tent for the night and Bash puts up protective symbols to keep them safe which Mary tears down thinking they were put there by the heretics.  She then realizes that Bash's family are also heretics.  She and Bash argue about the whole thing which was pretty boring, and Mary was incredibly judgmental (wait until she gets back to Scotland and has to deal with Presbyterians!). Frankly by this point, I was bored with the entire episode.  I didn't care about Isabelle and her baby, or the pagans in the woods.

The only interesting bit in the whole episode was Catherine de Medici taunting Kenna. The best line of the night, of course, belonged to Catherine. "Where are you going? I'm not done abusing you yet. You're taking away all my amusement." And then Lola, who is the only one of three to really have any brains, tells Catherine that they have forged letters from her plotting against the King which she threatens to make public if any harm comes to Bash or Mary.

The sad thing about this show is that if the real Mary, Queen of Scots had been this strong, decisive, and level-headed she might have kept her throne and not ended up on the chopping block. She even offers Bash a way out, telling him that he doesn't have to marry her and become King, that she would understand if it was all too much for him. Bash, to his credit, tells her no that he's willing to go through with it if only so that he has a storyline on this show.

Nothing of real historical significance happened in either of these two episodes.

Reign Recap: Episode 4

Just caught up with REIGN this morning. OMG you guys, so much drama! Archery contests, whipping boys, ghosts, intrigue, romance. Where do I begin?

- Tomas and Francis competed in an archery contest because a joust would have been too exciting I guess. Tomas cheated, and then gave Mary a favor of a pink rose. In front of everyone!

- Mary's uncle Claude de Guise showed up again to basically tell her stuff. This time it was to tell her that King Henri wasn't yet willing to end her betrothal to Francis.

- Catherine de Medici admitted to Mary that she wanted her gone, gone, gone.

- Francis, now that Mary was about to get engaged to another man, got all handsy and jealous.

- Lola flirted with a wounded Bash.

- Tomas showed his true colors by telling Mary every time she disobeyed him, Miguel the whipping boy, would be punished.

- Simon, Lord Westbrook, was accused of being a spy for the English and almost executed in the middle of a masquerade ball.

- Kenna aka Lady McSlutty told King Henri Horndog that she was ready to be his mistress but he told her that position was filled.

- Clarissa the ghost left Mary, Simon's seal which proved that he wasn't the guy the prostitute saw in the tavern after all, which meant he was innocent.

- The prostitute confessed that it was actually Tomas. OMG, I totally didn't see that coming!

- Bash and Francis united to prove that Tomas was a total SOB which culminated in an exciting fight in the woods! (No not really).

- Mary wore more cracked out fashions that have nothing to do with the period.

- Greer flirted some more with the servant boy from the kitchen.

- King Henri Horndog changed his mind and decided to make Kenna his mistress after all. Because Catherine emasculates him and Diane spends too much time shopping in Paris.

- Mary shocked the court by telling the King and her uncle that she would be leading the renegotiations for her betrothal to Francis.

- Nostradamus did absolutely nothing. (Seriously this show would be much more interesting if Catherine de Medici and Nostradamus were getting it on!).
Historical Notes:  Well, I was wrong about Claude de Guise, I assumed that he was her cousin, but he's actually her uncle.  The show has also been picked up for a full season which means that I will be recapping the show for another 18 episodes! It will be interesting to see if they actually do develop this love triangle between Bash, Mary and Francis that they promised.  At some point Mary and Francis will have to get married, the writers can't keep throwing ridiculous obstacles in their path.

Reign: Episode 3 Recap

 

I finally got a chance to watch last week's episode of REIGN. OMG, you guy, so much happened to our girl Mary this week.

- England sent troops to the Scottish border which sent Mary into a tizzy when her cousin Claude de Guise showed up to tell her. (Given how long it took news to arrive, are we to assume that the English troops just camped out on the border hoping for a fight?)

- She asked King Henri for troops to help Scotland and he said 'no way.'

- She kicked a ball around with Prince Charles.

- She climbed a tree and then got stuck.

- She met Tomas, the sexy illegitimate son of the King of Portugal.

- She broke the girl code, spending time with Tomas, even though she knew Greer liked him.

- She offered to sell Tomas timber in exchange for troops. Instead he wanted to marry her. Something about her 'wildness' appealed to him.

- She did a sexy dance with Tomas at a ball, which consisted of a lot of dipping and lifting, wearing a dress that looked like a feather duster.

- She called out Francis on his commitment issues.

- She received her first kiss ever from a guy, from Francis, who then told her to marry another man.

- She wore costumes that ran the gamut from the Regency to some off the shoulder anti-bellum dress.  She even managed to wear a dress that was actually the right period.  Don't know how that slipped by.

- She drank coffee.

 Also, Nostradamus made strange predictions, while looking like the 16th century equivalent of John the Baptist (something about Greer marrying a man with white mark and the lion will fight with the dragon on a field of poppies), and Lady McSlutty did dirty deeds in dark corner with the King but refused to give up her V-card. She then had an awkward conversation with Henri's illegitimate son Bash, on how to win back the King's affection. Francis also threatened to tell Catherine de Medici and Diane de Poitiers that the King had a new bit on the side unless he helped Mary by sending troops to Scotland. Needless to say that didn't work out so well. 

Historical Notes:  Yes, Mary, Queen of Scots did have a relative named Claude.  He was actually her uncle, the Duc of Aumale. Her cousin would have been his son who wasn't born yet.  Why he tells her about the English, and not say anyone at the French court like the King, I have no idea. Nor why there is no Scottish ambassador to the royal court.  As for Tomas, John III of Portugal did have an illegitimate son named Duarte who was the Archbishop of Braga. However, John III was succeeded by his 3 year old grandson Sebastian, so some of the details are right.